Friends....

Blessed are they who have the gift of making friends, for it is one of God's best gifts. It involves many things, but above all, the power of going out of one's self and appreciating whatever is noble and loving in another. - Thomas Hughes

So I have been thinking...yes again. I have been so blessed to have such great friends in my life. There are several types of friends, first you have acquaintances, then you have daily friends, school friends, church friends, work friends, then you have best friends and then you have your cherished friends.
I want to tell all my friends that I love and appreciate them, some of them will never know how much they have helped me and how much I look up to them they are all such great examples to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Honesty...hmm what does that really mean?

"A man can only be judged by his actions, and not by his good intentions or his beliefs."---Paul Newman

Honesty...isn't that a funny word? The dictionary definition is :

hon⋅es⋅ty 
–noun, plural -ties.
1. the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.
2. truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.
3. freedom from deceit or fraud.

I know that while I was married that I was never really 100% honest, but whom of us has been or always is 100% honest in everything we do? I know that in the past I was afraid of causing an argument, or a fight or having tension in the home. So I told white lies, did it make things better? For the short-term, maybe but in the end it made things worse, much worse.

So I decided to turn over a new leaf and do my best to always be honest. It is a hard thing to do and in the beginning it was hard to always be honest I struggled with daily, it was a hard habit to break. Well then something amazing happened....what was it you ask? Well I met someone and it was easy to be honest and upfront about things. Life was still a challenge and was full of it's ups and downs, but I had someone that was amazing, treated me well and cared for me in a way that was very different then before. It was incredible to feel my heart grow more and more in love with the person. Then of course as luck would have it the unexpected happened, I was lied to,mind you a small white lie here and there surely can't hurt, however,this was a whopper, boy did it ever sting. Was I angry..maybe a little, was I mad, yes and no, was I hurt, big time!! My heart was broken into little pieces.

After having my heart broken, I had to decide what the plan of action was to be...it took a lot of thought, a little crying (OK a lot of crying). I started to think back to all the little white lies all the way up to the big whoppers I told in my lifetime, all the people I had hurt in the process. I want to apologize, I am truly sorry to those of you that I hurt with my dishonesty. OK so back to the plan of action...OK so being a girl, I went into full blown "girlie mode", the over emotional, clinging to any last hope of salvaging a relationship that clearly only one person wanted it to work or was ready for it to work.

So yes I did the typical girl thing, told him I was hurt and heart broken, and tried to convince him what a great catch I am. When in reality all I should have done was said well I'm sorry this happened, so where do we go from here? It has been a drawn out thing, yes while we are still friends, it is hard for me to be trusting again. Here lies the dilemma, how can I judge someone who's choices are ones that I have made in the past? Do I forgive and forget,act as if nothing happened ? Or do I protect my heart and shut that person out (yes, that is a hard thing to do when you love someone)? Or do I do a bit of both? Finding that balance will be hard.

While honesty is a funny word and means different things to different people, honesty is always the best policy, and yes while being honest can hurt those you love, being dishonest with them can ruin the relationship and make things a lot harder to deal with.

Grumpy, Grumpy!

OK so yes I try to find the positive in the things that daily try to bring us down, but today is a day where I surrender,I give up! I cant be positive today. I'm done, wash my hands. I feel like being a grump and gosh darn it...how I want to be mean and rude. However, I do realize the while being grumpy, mean and rude would make me feel better for the moment it won't help me in the long term of things.

Sometimes I wonder: Why do I feel like I have to be the bigger person? Why can't I be the one who has some good fortune fall into her lap? Why does love seem to hurt? Why does it seem that when your doing everything in your power to be a strong, happy person does it seem that everything crumbles around you?

Have you ever said something and then wished you could take it right back? But once you speak them true or not they will always be words you said. I did a stupid thing and didn't really think before I spoke, yesterday. While my feelings and thoughts are valid, I chose to say them in an unhealthy and unproductive way. I tossed and turned all night just thinking of the mean things I said, and that I hurt a close friend. Of course I apologized first thing this morning, but really have no idea if it was read or just filed in drawer #13.

Ask myself why am I grumpy today? Well I hurt someone close to me, that I take to heart and feel horrible and will for a bit. I really do have many things to be thankful for:
1. My 4 beautiful girls
2. My great family and the support and love they are to me
3. I have a lovely place to live
4. I have a job where I work with great people
5. I have a vehicle to drive
6. I have many wonderful friends who have been there for me through the trials and tribulations
7. I have the love of the Lord
8. Spring is finally here...I think
9. I have a heart that can be broken, even though it hurts at least I know I am capable of loving and giving all I have and having that love returned
10. That I am finding the Syd I used to be and regaining some normalcy to life

Here are the thoughts for today:

Forgiveness does not change the past,but it does enlarge the future. ~Paul Boese

"Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or to lose." - Lyndon B. Johnson

While I know that the grumpiness will pass, today is just a grumpy day! Tomorrow is a fresh start and I looke forward to the challenge of making tomorrow better then today. Yes my lesson is learned....think before you speak, what you say can never be taken back.

Everyday I pick a couple of quotes to live by for that particular day. Some have to do with positive thinking or love, or just funny. Here are a few that I chose for today:

"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved, loved for ourselves, or rather loved in spite of ourselves". Victor Hugo

"You have achieved success if you have lived well, laughed often and loved much." - Author Unknown

"Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end."- Scott Adams

Life is a struggle and a challenge at times. Sometimes when I lay awake in bed and sleep is eluding me, I think back over the last year and the experience's I've been blessed with. I feel fortunate to have these challenges so that I can grow and learn. There are times when I feel very alone and it's hard to come home to an empty house. I try to stay positve and look for the pro's and con's of the situation. Don't get me wrong, I have my struggles and my bad days where I just want to pull the covers over my head and sleep until things get better. Alas, I know hiding from my problems doesnt solve or make anything better.

I know the person I want to be and am diligently searching out those things that will help me gain the insight and experiences to be the great person, mother, friend and eventually companion to some one who loves me for me flaws and all.

Where Do I Begin?...Preferably the start...

Top 10 Reasons I haven't started my blog
10. Not enough time
9. Too tired
8. Too busy
7. My computer is on the other side of the room and I'm comfy in my bed.
6. My favorite T.V. show is on (even though I recorded it on TIVO)
5. The Dishes are piling in the sink
4. The laundry has been sitting in the washer for um..I don't remember how long?
3. I need to organize the pantry
2. There are boxes that are still waiting to be unpacked
1. Plain and simple procrastination

This last year has been a crazy,interesting year. Let me see what happened over the last year.....I made some dumb choices, but who of us hasn't? I'v been arrested, got divorced, moved twice, entered the work force, went through heartbreak...among many things.

After being on such a roller coaster ride this year, I decided that I needed an attitude adjustment and that I needed to set goals and work on loving and finding the real me.